Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Dear YOU

Dear YOU,
If i actually had the opportunity to tell you some of whats on my mind. I'd tell you, my eyes water thinking about how good you make me feel just to be held.My lips rise forming a smile at random moments of the day thinking about every beautiful moment ive experienced. My heart beats faster than it should b/c i worry I'll never have you. My stomach gets all tied up in knots at the idea of you knowing i feel this way in the first place. My words are lost at trying to explain how this became as strong as it is. My brain aches because loving you stays on it. You think i want to constantly think about this,God be my witness, i dont! I cant control what I feel, i am only human. Understand this though, love is not a feeling. It is a verb; something i chose to DO! i chose to love you whether its reciprocated or not. I chose to love you whether you deserve it or not. I chose to love you, despite all my flaws that may stand in the way. I chose to love you despite some of yours that i just might not know about YET! Do you get it? I can tell myself time after time let go, BUT forcing this only makes it worse. I feel better as I write this. why? i challenge myself everyday to ignore every aspect of this situation, to give up! It is my heart that keeps hope! The heart that keeps pushing;fighting for life! Life that involves spending good times with you, showing you every word of 1 Corinthians 13 that i possibly can!The level of comfortability i feel with you, the laughs, the fact that you could say absolutely nothing and I'd still be happy within because of the mere existence of your being in my space!
I want to know every part of you, your strengths, your weaknesses. I yearn to know your souls desires. What you like and dislike, what makes you laugh and cry...favorite food?I hate cooking,but for you I will (lol) ...I want to understand you as a man and know what I can do to keep him happy. I am far from perfect;good intentions,bad decisions,but I am a better woman. Better than i was yesterday, if only you knew; aside from God,you are to partially thank for that. I could go on forever with this, but these are just some things. Some things i wish i could tell YOU; who ever you are.........


"I have to write before i burst into tears"..those were the exact words that crossed my mind when i decided to start typing this. I havent wrote in months. Call it writers block or what ever the case may be, but i have had soo much on my mind lately, its like traffic up there;words just sitting with no room to move. Ive experienced death of those close to me, dissapointments, heartache etc. I still dont know how to properly get out exactly what it is i need to say, but my fingers are moving so I'll see where they take me.
I've learned so much about me, why I have done some things,why i havent done others, why i love the way i do, why im so strong willed, why and how ive matured. im proud of me for some of the changes ive made. Im proud of what i have gained as an individual; as a woman period. Im still not where i need to be, but i thank God im not where i used to be.
Im going through a battle right now in going on with this...i know exactly back luvs:-)