Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Dear YOU

Dear YOU,
If i actually had the opportunity to tell you some of whats on my mind. I'd tell you, my eyes water thinking about how good you make me feel just to be held.My lips rise forming a smile at random moments of the day thinking about every beautiful moment ive experienced. My heart beats faster than it should b/c i worry I'll never have you. My stomach gets all tied up in knots at the idea of you knowing i feel this way in the first place. My words are lost at trying to explain how this became as strong as it is. My brain aches because loving you stays on it. You think i want to constantly think about this,God be my witness, i dont! I cant control what I feel, i am only human. Understand this though, love is not a feeling. It is a verb; something i chose to DO! i chose to love you whether its reciprocated or not. I chose to love you whether you deserve it or not. I chose to love you, despite all my flaws that may stand in the way. I chose to love you despite some of yours that i just might not know about YET! Do you get it? I can tell myself time after time let go, BUT forcing this only makes it worse. I feel better as I write this. why? i challenge myself everyday to ignore every aspect of this situation, to give up! It is my heart that keeps hope! The heart that keeps pushing;fighting for life! Life that involves spending good times with you, showing you every word of 1 Corinthians 13 that i possibly can!The level of comfortability i feel with you, the laughs, the fact that you could say absolutely nothing and I'd still be happy within because of the mere existence of your being in my space!
I want to know every part of you, your strengths, your weaknesses. I yearn to know your souls desires. What you like and dislike, what makes you laugh and cry...favorite food?I hate cooking,but for you I will (lol) ...I want to understand you as a man and know what I can do to keep him happy. I am far from perfect;good intentions,bad decisions,but I am a better woman. Better than i was yesterday, if only you knew; aside from God,you are to partially thank for that. I could go on forever with this, but these are just some things. Some things i wish i could tell YOU; who ever you are.........


"I have to write before i burst into tears"..those were the exact words that crossed my mind when i decided to start typing this. I havent wrote in months. Call it writers block or what ever the case may be, but i have had soo much on my mind lately, its like traffic up there;words just sitting with no room to move. Ive experienced death of those close to me, dissapointments, heartache etc. I still dont know how to properly get out exactly what it is i need to say, but my fingers are moving so I'll see where they take me.
I've learned so much about me, why I have done some things,why i havent done others, why i love the way i do, why im so strong willed, why and how ive matured. im proud of me for some of the changes ive made. Im proud of what i have gained as an individual; as a woman period. Im still not where i need to be, but i thank God im not where i used to be.
Im going through a battle right now in going on with this...i know exactly back luvs:-)

Sunday, January 30, 2011

"Im Alone Now, But Im NOT Lonely"

How do i start this off? I have no idea! So what better way then to just let my thoughts flow through my fingers:-) .... Does being single necessarily mean you are lonely? Some may think so, to be honest I used to but my answer has MATURED into, no! Throughout my life, I have ALWAYS been with someone.Whether I was in a relationship or "talking", I have had some type of attachment. After doing this for so long, I started to question myself. Did I need to be with someone in order to feel good? Did I need a man in order to be happy? There aren't many of us who would admit, that yes that is in fact what was going on in my head. We think this way sometimes and not purposely,but with a subconscious mind frame.Its not wrong to want to be loved, happy, and feel like you mean to someone just as much as they do to you. The issue is when you base all your happiness solely on another individual, rather than finding it within you first.

I'll be 23 years old in 5 months and this is the first time I have REALLY been single since I was about 13. Now of course we're all really single until we walk down that isle, but I'm pretty sure you catch my drift,lol. In and out of relationships and I always end up right where i started off. I can truly say where I am now is one of the best feelings I have experienced in a while. The time to get to know you, or if you're a spiritual person; getting to know God, figuring out what you really want and don't want in life/partner, enjoying the right now minus all the drama, confusion and games is just mind blowing!  I can honestly say, i would not have it any other way........until I and whoever my interest may be, is ready.
We're all so quick to jump into relationships, put titles on each other, want this and need that from one another but collectively cant give all it entails. So I figured, let me save myself and the next some headache and have "me" time. This is that time when you can focus on your life, your goals,etc; making sure you are in a position to be with someone other than you. Then after you are together, you sit and establish what you want in a person, standards,status,etc. These things take time and we've become a generation of absolutely no patience, which means we're acting too quickly with little thought, based on feelings not logic.
I was on twitter a few weeks ago and Mike Winans Jr.asked- What is an independent woman? Is this something I aspire to be? I explained my definition and my answer to the second question was yes. So getting to the point, another guy responded saying something along the lines of, women want to be miss independent but fail to realize its a man's job to take care of them. I'll tell you right now my jaw immediately dropped when I read this! Not because I was in any way angry, but because I have not come across too many men to actually and so openly express that. I do not disagree with it at all, but just as shocked as I was to see the comment is how scarce it seems, that there are other men out here who feel and show this in a relationship. Not to say it is impossible, but once again these realizations in some people, take time.
Now, a week later, I read an article with Sister Magazine and Toya from Tiny& Toya (Antonia Carter) on her relationship with her new boo Memphitz and circled a few things that stood out to me. "You can tell a difference when a guy grows up with both of their parents. Like everything was "yes ma'am, yes sir." Respectful, like , "Let me open the door for you." These days guys think that is lame when that's really being a gentleman..." "Naw we was friends for a good while. We was starting to learn each other and get more and more comfortable with each other.." These quotes are examples of good values in a man, standards within a relationship. People take that being friends first ordeal lightly, but it works. Sex brings you closer on a physical level, but there is more to know about a person than curves and how big he is; and this is where friendship and getting to know each other in all aspects come into play. Taking that time helps to make a decision- Is this the type of person I want to be with? Are we ready? etc.
Less women would be worried about being "miss independent" if it were common for a man to open the door,get to know them,be respectful and take care of certain things as a man.My conclusion to the title of this blog, the mentions, the quotes are to say that until all these requirements are met; from dealing with you on an individual level all the way down to what you will and will not put up with from your partner; there is no need to rush. Like maturity, relationships are a process.Being alone right now is being happy to me. Happy because I am confident in myself, where I am in life, where I'm going and where I want to be. I can smile because I know what I want, I've raised my standards and I'm striving to accept nothing less than what I deserve. Realizing these things and enjoying life and the love surrounding me could never bring me to a place of loneliness.

Tiana Tare'