Sunday, January 30, 2011

"Im Alone Now, But Im NOT Lonely"

How do i start this off? I have no idea! So what better way then to just let my thoughts flow through my fingers:-) .... Does being single necessarily mean you are lonely? Some may think so, to be honest I used to but my answer has MATURED into, no! Throughout my life, I have ALWAYS been with someone.Whether I was in a relationship or "talking", I have had some type of attachment. After doing this for so long, I started to question myself. Did I need to be with someone in order to feel good? Did I need a man in order to be happy? There aren't many of us who would admit, that yes that is in fact what was going on in my head. We think this way sometimes and not purposely,but with a subconscious mind frame.Its not wrong to want to be loved, happy, and feel like you mean to someone just as much as they do to you. The issue is when you base all your happiness solely on another individual, rather than finding it within you first.

I'll be 23 years old in 5 months and this is the first time I have REALLY been single since I was about 13. Now of course we're all really single until we walk down that isle, but I'm pretty sure you catch my drift,lol. In and out of relationships and I always end up right where i started off. I can truly say where I am now is one of the best feelings I have experienced in a while. The time to get to know you, or if you're a spiritual person; getting to know God, figuring out what you really want and don't want in life/partner, enjoying the right now minus all the drama, confusion and games is just mind blowing!  I can honestly say, i would not have it any other way........until I and whoever my interest may be, is ready.
We're all so quick to jump into relationships, put titles on each other, want this and need that from one another but collectively cant give all it entails. So I figured, let me save myself and the next some headache and have "me" time. This is that time when you can focus on your life, your goals,etc; making sure you are in a position to be with someone other than you. Then after you are together, you sit and establish what you want in a person, standards,status,etc. These things take time and we've become a generation of absolutely no patience, which means we're acting too quickly with little thought, based on feelings not logic.
I was on twitter a few weeks ago and Mike Winans Jr.asked- What is an independent woman? Is this something I aspire to be? I explained my definition and my answer to the second question was yes. So getting to the point, another guy responded saying something along the lines of, women want to be miss independent but fail to realize its a man's job to take care of them. I'll tell you right now my jaw immediately dropped when I read this! Not because I was in any way angry, but because I have not come across too many men to actually and so openly express that. I do not disagree with it at all, but just as shocked as I was to see the comment is how scarce it seems, that there are other men out here who feel and show this in a relationship. Not to say it is impossible, but once again these realizations in some people, take time.
Now, a week later, I read an article with Sister Magazine and Toya from Tiny& Toya (Antonia Carter) on her relationship with her new boo Memphitz and circled a few things that stood out to me. "You can tell a difference when a guy grows up with both of their parents. Like everything was "yes ma'am, yes sir." Respectful, like , "Let me open the door for you." These days guys think that is lame when that's really being a gentleman..." "Naw we was friends for a good while. We was starting to learn each other and get more and more comfortable with each other.." These quotes are examples of good values in a man, standards within a relationship. People take that being friends first ordeal lightly, but it works. Sex brings you closer on a physical level, but there is more to know about a person than curves and how big he is; and this is where friendship and getting to know each other in all aspects come into play. Taking that time helps to make a decision- Is this the type of person I want to be with? Are we ready? etc.
Less women would be worried about being "miss independent" if it were common for a man to open the door,get to know them,be respectful and take care of certain things as a man.My conclusion to the title of this blog, the mentions, the quotes are to say that until all these requirements are met; from dealing with you on an individual level all the way down to what you will and will not put up with from your partner; there is no need to rush. Like maturity, relationships are a process.Being alone right now is being happy to me. Happy because I am confident in myself, where I am in life, where I'm going and where I want to be. I can smile because I know what I want, I've raised my standards and I'm striving to accept nothing less than what I deserve. Realizing these things and enjoying life and the love surrounding me could never bring me to a place of loneliness.

Tiana Tare'


  1. this was so so so so good!! You sound just like me a couple years ago! Let me be the first to tell are doing the right thing and you will not regret it at all!!!! I was in a relationship for 5 years and like you, I was always "involved" with someone for years. In that 5 year relationship, i was so worried about pleasing my man and changing myself for him. We don't realize this until we get out of the relationship then we are stuck like "hmmm who am I, what do I like to do, what am I going to do now with all this free time"??

    That's how I began blogging and writing dealing with my emotions from my relationship and I've gotten to know myself sooo much better. You will have those days where you want some male company but just involve yourself in activities to better yourself and stay busy getting to know the real you.

    I could go on for days but that's my short story about myself and just encouraging you to keep it up.

  2. I really enjoyed your latest entry, I feel like it touched a lot of important points that happen so often nowadays...

    I totally agree with your points that you made thru out the passage. Now me, a person who has only had 2 boyfriends in their life mind u that maybe only lasted a yr a piece, has dealt with the lonely factor, see i thought i would never find love although i am a hopeless romantic...i thought loneliness would be my partner for a very long time...but i never realized until recently that i am happy that things played out the way it has. i got a chance to explore by dating for years different males (not like that of course lol) which i felt like was so necessary because now i am in my first adult relationship and can give him my all n not b scared of this idea of forever which may b a big reason y i remained single for so long, well part of the reason, was because i was scared of being with someone n it lasting forever, n i think y that was is because i didnt kno what i truly wanted in a man, but c now i do n i dont mind the forever.

    I realize that being single is very hard to do because there is so much tempatation n if u r looking for love, things can b confused as love, but when u really play the role of being single, like really taking time out for yourself, like maybe goin on a date or 2 n just hanging out n traveling with ur friends, u not only fill up that lonely time and space, but u learn so much about u...u learn to luv urself more and appreciate the time that u have alone with yourself...not knowing that u r teachin urself the greatest lesson because how can u love someone or how can u appreciate someone when u dont love or appreciate urself whole heartedly...which goes in hand with giving urself time allows u to learn what u really want or need n life...