Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Dear YOU

Dear YOU,
If i actually had the opportunity to tell you some of whats on my mind. I'd tell you, my eyes water thinking about how good you make me feel just to be held.My lips rise forming a smile at random moments of the day thinking about every beautiful moment ive experienced. My heart beats faster than it should b/c i worry I'll never have you. My stomach gets all tied up in knots at the idea of you knowing i feel this way in the first place. My words are lost at trying to explain how this became as strong as it is. My brain aches because loving you stays on it. You think i want to constantly think about this,God be my witness, i dont! I cant control what I feel, i am only human. Understand this though, love is not a feeling. It is a verb; something i chose to DO! i chose to love you whether its reciprocated or not. I chose to love you whether you deserve it or not. I chose to love you, despite all my flaws that may stand in the way. I chose to love you despite some of yours that i just might not know about YET! Do you get it? I can tell myself time after time let go, BUT forcing this only makes it worse. I feel better as I write this. why? i challenge myself everyday to ignore every aspect of this situation, to give up! It is my heart that keeps hope! The heart that keeps pushing;fighting for life! Life that involves spending good times with you, showing you every word of 1 Corinthians 13 that i possibly can!The level of comfortability i feel with you, the laughs, the fact that you could say absolutely nothing and I'd still be happy within because of the mere existence of your being in my space!
I want to know every part of you, your strengths, your weaknesses. I yearn to know your souls desires. What you like and dislike, what makes you laugh and cry...favorite food?I hate cooking,but for you I will (lol) ...I want to understand you as a man and know what I can do to keep him happy. I am far from perfect;good intentions,bad decisions,but I am a better woman. Better than i was yesterday, if only you knew; aside from God,you are to partially thank for that. I could go on forever with this, but these are just some things. Some things i wish i could tell YOU; who ever you are.........


"I have to write before i burst into tears"..those were the exact words that crossed my mind when i decided to start typing this. I havent wrote in months. Call it writers block or what ever the case may be, but i have had soo much on my mind lately, its like traffic up there;words just sitting with no room to move. Ive experienced death of those close to me, dissapointments, heartache etc. I still dont know how to properly get out exactly what it is i need to say, but my fingers are moving so I'll see where they take me.
I've learned so much about me, why I have done some things,why i havent done others, why i love the way i do, why im so strong willed, why and how ive matured. im proud of me for some of the changes ive made. Im proud of what i have gained as an individual; as a woman period. Im still not where i need to be, but i thank God im not where i used to be.
Im going through a battle right now in going on with this...i know exactly back luvs:-)

Sunday, January 30, 2011

"Im Alone Now, But Im NOT Lonely"

How do i start this off? I have no idea! So what better way then to just let my thoughts flow through my fingers:-) .... Does being single necessarily mean you are lonely? Some may think so, to be honest I used to but my answer has MATURED into, no! Throughout my life, I have ALWAYS been with someone.Whether I was in a relationship or "talking", I have had some type of attachment. After doing this for so long, I started to question myself. Did I need to be with someone in order to feel good? Did I need a man in order to be happy? There aren't many of us who would admit, that yes that is in fact what was going on in my head. We think this way sometimes and not purposely,but with a subconscious mind frame.Its not wrong to want to be loved, happy, and feel like you mean to someone just as much as they do to you. The issue is when you base all your happiness solely on another individual, rather than finding it within you first.

I'll be 23 years old in 5 months and this is the first time I have REALLY been single since I was about 13. Now of course we're all really single until we walk down that isle, but I'm pretty sure you catch my drift,lol. In and out of relationships and I always end up right where i started off. I can truly say where I am now is one of the best feelings I have experienced in a while. The time to get to know you, or if you're a spiritual person; getting to know God, figuring out what you really want and don't want in life/partner, enjoying the right now minus all the drama, confusion and games is just mind blowing!  I can honestly say, i would not have it any other way........until I and whoever my interest may be, is ready.
We're all so quick to jump into relationships, put titles on each other, want this and need that from one another but collectively cant give all it entails. So I figured, let me save myself and the next some headache and have "me" time. This is that time when you can focus on your life, your goals,etc; making sure you are in a position to be with someone other than you. Then after you are together, you sit and establish what you want in a person, standards,status,etc. These things take time and we've become a generation of absolutely no patience, which means we're acting too quickly with little thought, based on feelings not logic.
I was on twitter a few weeks ago and Mike Winans Jr.asked- What is an independent woman? Is this something I aspire to be? I explained my definition and my answer to the second question was yes. So getting to the point, another guy responded saying something along the lines of, women want to be miss independent but fail to realize its a man's job to take care of them. I'll tell you right now my jaw immediately dropped when I read this! Not because I was in any way angry, but because I have not come across too many men to actually and so openly express that. I do not disagree with it at all, but just as shocked as I was to see the comment is how scarce it seems, that there are other men out here who feel and show this in a relationship. Not to say it is impossible, but once again these realizations in some people, take time.
Now, a week later, I read an article with Sister Magazine and Toya from Tiny& Toya (Antonia Carter) on her relationship with her new boo Memphitz and circled a few things that stood out to me. "You can tell a difference when a guy grows up with both of their parents. Like everything was "yes ma'am, yes sir." Respectful, like , "Let me open the door for you." These days guys think that is lame when that's really being a gentleman..." "Naw we was friends for a good while. We was starting to learn each other and get more and more comfortable with each other.." These quotes are examples of good values in a man, standards within a relationship. People take that being friends first ordeal lightly, but it works. Sex brings you closer on a physical level, but there is more to know about a person than curves and how big he is; and this is where friendship and getting to know each other in all aspects come into play. Taking that time helps to make a decision- Is this the type of person I want to be with? Are we ready? etc.
Less women would be worried about being "miss independent" if it were common for a man to open the door,get to know them,be respectful and take care of certain things as a man.My conclusion to the title of this blog, the mentions, the quotes are to say that until all these requirements are met; from dealing with you on an individual level all the way down to what you will and will not put up with from your partner; there is no need to rush. Like maturity, relationships are a process.Being alone right now is being happy to me. Happy because I am confident in myself, where I am in life, where I'm going and where I want to be. I can smile because I know what I want, I've raised my standards and I'm striving to accept nothing less than what I deserve. Realizing these things and enjoying life and the love surrounding me could never bring me to a place of loneliness.

Tiana Tare'

Thursday, December 30, 2010

You're Not To Blame!

I don't hate you. I actually believe in you and everything that you stand for. I believe that you are patient. I believe that you are kind,that you do not keep record of wrong doings, that you do not boast; and anything else positive that comes along with you. Love, it is you that can turn my frown upside down. You bring the sunshine out after the rain. You make me smile at random moments of the day just thinking about your goodness. Love,it is you who can turn world hate into peace,bring together what has been separated, heal what has been wounded, fix what has been broken.
I apologize for those who say F*** love, love is for suckas, I'll never love again! I first and foremost apologize because I have too, angrily and bitterly spoken those words at one point of my life. Then I realized! Love it is not you who we should be mad at, it is not you who we should shut out of our lives. Love does not hurt,cheat,lie, and BS us: PEOPLE do! Female and male, neither are different; she plays the games just as well as he does. So what does that mean?
According to the calculations that both my heart and mind are currently making at this moment, it means we need to stop shutting out love and learn to shut out those people! I don't say this with the intentions of telling you to blame EVERY man or woman that comes in your life for the hurt you've previously been through,no not at all! Just the ones who did it:-) No seriously, it is not Love's fault neither is it the next person who walks into your life that you've been hurt along the way. Healing takes time,this I understand,but that doesn't mean that what we once lost in one cannot be restored in another.
Before it is thought that I'm just being another emotional female rambling on about love and all types of mushy things to say, understand my point. Love is powerful; when done the right way! That's what we lack,loving the way love was intended. People say I love you and then turn to perform all the actions that display anything, but those words! In conclusion people are bamboozled to believe that love should and is what hurts because those were the words used during the course of those actions.
Well i know the truth! So I end this to love, knowing that you would never intentionally hurt me,tear me down,degrade or use me. Love I have the understanding that you are NOT the butterfly feeling i get in my stomach when I am around him,but you are a verb; ACTION! Love when you feel like it and when you don't. Love truly and freely! Love genuinely!Love boldy!
To EVERY family member,close friend,special someone; I LOVE YOU!
Tiana Tare'

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Can I Please You?

I cant please everyone! As much as you would love that to be so, ITS NOT! People including myself get caught up trying to do for him, her and them; forgetting about YOU! There has been several occasions where I've tried to do so much for others that i ended up hurting me. People, please understand that we are only human. Humans are imperfect; we make mistakes and we have flaws. The sooner that is realized the sooner there will be less judgment; the sooner there will be more understanding.
I sometimes feel like what you do to put a smile on one person's face angers another. What you do to show one you appreciate them, makes another jealous;its a damn lose lose situation at times. The result only ends in stress, confusion, lack of appreciation, feeling unacknowledged and everything else negative i can pull out of the dictionary. What makes it worse is when you don't intend to make any one person feel less than the other, but still they somehow fathomed this idea in their head, that, that is in fact exactly what you were trying to do!When people have one contemplation set in their head and you try to refute that, its like trying to tell a minister God is not real!  
I'm tired, i really am of what she didn't like and what he thought should have went this way. Excuse my french but, F* your feelings! I say this because while I'm trying to buss my behind to make you and everyone else happy, you are going to think what you want. This is not the bedroom, i don't give a damn detail for detail how you want to be pleased. This is life; where not everything goes according to plan. This is life where the smallest, most innocent thing to me may look like the biggest most dramatic thing to you! That is fine until you conjure the idea that you're right and there is no ifs, ands or buts about it. Everyone is entitled to feel or think as they wish, but it becomes a bigger issue to me when you perceive off assumptions rather than facts.
So to you, you, and you with the stick stuck up your behind, thinking the world owes you something, think again! People are only capable of but so much! Remember to appreciate a person for what they do for you whether it be big or small. Remember that the world does not revolve around you, meaning there is someone else that needs pleasing too; someone else who needs a friend; someone else who needs love. There is a reason for everything and not every reason may be known,but that does not mean it isn't there.
Til Next time...
Tiana Tare'

Thursday, December 16, 2010

"Everybody Dies but Not Everybody Lives"

Day after day goes by and people worry, hell I worry too. Some of us worry where our next meal will come from, some worry will that next paycheck be enough to pay all the bills; can i go here, can i afford that! All of these worries consumes our lives and we forget to do the root of that word; LIVE! Of course I am not saying to ignore the responsibilties we develop as we mature, but somehow we have to figure out a way to enjoy the time we have here while we can. This world we live in, that time we wake up each morning whether it be to the sun shining or the rain falling; we take it for granted. Not everything fun and worthwhile has to costs either, simply doing what you love to do means enjoying life. Simply being around the people you love and rejoicing in that time means enjoying life. Simply taking time out of all the stress and finding a moment to smile, laugh, dance, say i love you; means enjoying life.
Im not perfect, no one is, but i try to remember all these things because when we no longer exist; that is all! Theres no more time to speak how you feel, do what you love, hug him/her, share moments with those who mean the world to you. All we have is today; to make a change, to be a better person, to do what we wont be able to tomorrow. 
So many thoughts going through my head; loved ones passed away, friendships broken, relationships ended. Theres so many times i have said to myself, "Damn i should have said this, damn i wish i could have done this." When in all actuality i should have just done it. Time waits for no one and opportunities are not just handed to us. What we want to say, we have to say it, and the things we want to do; we must do. There are some people who no longer have a life to live, but we still have a chance.Dont be the one to hold you back. Stop waiting and make it happen. LIVE LIFE!